I have so many drafts for posts guys, so many. But I can’t for the life of me finish any of them.
It’s like the topics are too heavy, too emotionally draining to get out. But I think I need to get them out, so that they aren’t so substantial to me anymore. It’s a stupid vicious cycle and I hate it.
What would usually take me 2 hours to complete (work-wise) is taking me 20. What would usually be uncomfortable but manageable, is now so overwhelmingly stressful that I feel like I can’t deal with it, or anything else, ever again. This is all so unproductive and it’s come at the most inopportune time (slog of essays and reports due in, followed by exam season), which just adds to the stress.
I don’t know, I just feel like I’m stuck.
Without going into too much detail, the situation at University has escalated beyond belief. Now, not only are students being discriminatory and abusive towards me, but so are the staff. It’s horrible, it’s all horrible. My mum has been in contact with social services, and the council who have each have a really nice lady assigned to me from their safeguarding vulnerable adults division. They’re appalled, quite frankly. As is my GP, and all other professionals in every area of my life; this including my lecturers and tutors.
I know you can teach or inform everyone. I know you can’t expect people to change. But at the very least, I do expect for those carrying out illegal actions to be removed, especially if said person is a member of staff dutied with looking after student welfare.
This staff member has never met me, and yet has sent out slanderous emails about me to everyone else in my flat, as well as departments (without having me copied in at all), stating I’ve done things that I haven’t, that I’ve threatened and stabbed, stabbed! He even said the University was working with me to ‘fix’ these ‘issues’! They don’t exist, completely fabricated and falsified! I’ve never been spoken too about these supposed allegations, nor have any other flat mates I assume as they would verify that 1) I wouldn’t hurt a fly, and 2) the only thing on the list that happened was carried out my an aggressive alcoholic who has since left the flat.
This staff member is meant to be able to look after, not only me, but all the other students in his designated area. But every time I’ve had the paramedics called out –5 times in the last 3 weeks– he’s hightailed it out of there.
Friends I only met this last year had to deal with me being unconscious and unresponsive when they find me, me screaming why I get one of my stress induced pain cycles. They have to call 999, campus security to open the gates for the ambulance, my parents, they shouldn’t have to do that! All of them are ill and stressed and showing symptoms of either chronic stress, anxiety, or depression, and it’s all because those in place who are meant to care for the welfare of the students are completely inept!
These lovely people, these friends I’ve met, they shouldn’t have had to scramble to find my medication for the paramedics, or try and remember my conditions which were mentioned in passing. The welfare team should do this, it should never be left to 18 year olds who have no first aid training, let alone any kind of duty to take on such a task.
The first time I collapsed, I didn’t respond for almost 50 minutes. The paramedics said it was unlikely that I would have at all if I had been left any longer.
I could be dead.
Let’s just let that sink in for a second. If those lovely friends had left me in the care of the welfare staff, as they should be able to, I wouldn’t be alive right now. It is to them that I owe my life.
The welfare team are meant to be able to support students whilst they are away from home and studying at university. They should know the medical history of ‘at risk’ students, which I am as I am in an adapted room and have been noted on register as needing assistance and support, as well as being within the disability advisory service run by the university. I should be safe to study, and if the event arises that I need emergency assistance, the welfare team should know my medical history, medication, triggers, etcetera. In practice, they didn’t even bother to check on me when I fled a flat meeting clearly distressed, and didn’t bother showing up when notified about my state, nor when the ambulance came (which the welfare team is immediately informed about).
And this was just the first time! There have since been more instances than I can count on both hands that this has again happened. Each time it’s handled worse and worse. So many things have been said and done that are just wrong. I have pages and pages of it jotted down so that I have a log of it. So many pages.
5 weeks later, and nothing has been done. Nothing is sorted out. If anything, it’s worse.
I don’t know if I have faith anymore in the system we have in place, and the faith I had previous to all of this was tenuous at best. I don’t feel safe at University at all right now, and am staying as home despite paying for my accommodation anyway.
‘Communicating over the computer is cowardly, people say things they would never say in person. If you can’t communicate face to face, you will never succeed in this life. You need to be able to pick up on the social cues, the body language, facial expressions-’ Welfare Officer/Warden
Should someone, who says something like this, really be responsible for the welfare of not only those with disabilities, but also those without? I think not.
The whole reason I chose the university I am studying at is that it’s pastoral care was said to be far superior than any of my other options, and academically it is in the top 1% of universities in the world. I can’t help but feel somewhat disappointed.
Hopefully things will get better, I don’t know what I’ll do if they don’t. I need to get out of this slump ASAHP (as soon as humanely possible).
I hope you are all well, and if not, hang in there,