I know, everyone’s probably screaming at me.
- Where in the world have you been?!
- Why on earth would you go back to Uni after your last experience?!
I get it, especially considering the sheer amount of convincing it took to get my parents and various consultants on board. But this is what I want, or well, need I suppose.
In all honesty, I know that it seems like the most illogical choice I could have made, given I’m still going into anaphylactic shock about twice a week, and that my legs still completely loose feedback and collapse under me. But I’ve gotten trapped in a particularly tangled web of depression and anxiety in my 9 months out of uni, despite being at home in an understanding and safe environment.
This web though? A lot more nefarious than I initially realised. I’d thought it had been one of my usual dips…but boy was I wrong.
Nothing really mattered to me anymore, dark thoughts of suicide and self harm reared their heads once more, almost every day, and I was so tempted to give in, which I haven’t been in a while. It’s not like anything catastrophic happened either, it was just that my emotional responses were so strong, and being on the spectrum, obviously it’s hard to pick apart, identify, and consequently deal with ones emotions. I’d see reason after I’d slept on the thoughts and feelings, but it felt like I was being emotionally yanked in one direction and then another. It’s as if my own mind was giving me a horrid case of emotional whiplash.
It’s not 100% gone, it’s cleared up ~30-40%, but it has been better since I’ve been preparing to go back to Uni.
I think that my mind and body needs structure, space, and a challenge. I hate not being in an institute of learning, it’s why I had never once considered of taking a gap year between sixth form and my BSc.
So now, with my Masters, I think I’ll be able to get everything back into check; despite what everyone around me seems to think. Having my own space, segregated away from others is also helpful, as it allows me to have privacy to recharge and not have to see people if I don’t want to (thank god for en-suites and mini fridges!).
Don’t get my wrong though, people are willing to support me -family, friends and doctors/professionals alike- if this is my decision. They just don’t seem to agree with said decision.
But I’ve come to understand something about myself; I need rigidity, structure, and routine. And not the kind of routine and structure I can put in place myself whilst at home, but the kind of structure that is part of a bigger whole.
This lager structure makes me feel connected, even if I’m not directly interacting with anyone. I wake up with a sense of purpose and things I need to do, which makes the things I like doing more rewarding and enjoyable.
I may be wrong, this may not be the best idea, but this time round I’m just going to enjoy my studying, and not work myself into the ground. I want to have the university experience that I feel I should have had all along.
Hopefully I’ll be posting more regularly, but I’m not making any promises 😂
I hope everyone is well, and as always, have a great day!